state of the union transcript- first draft.

L.R has obtained Obama's first draft of the SOTU speech. He wrote it on a White House mirror with Michelle's lipstick.


We are a great nation lead by me. I won't quit. Me so smart. I like to talk about me. Everyone does. I came to Washington to get a burger with Biden. I stayed to save you're stupid asses. LOL.

I am, I said. And no one else!!!! I, I, I, I, I, I. I think I'm a pretty cool dad. Let's finish health care now! I want to go golfing! Me so smart. Let me repeat to MY fellow Americans: ME SO SMART.

Islamic republic of Iran. I say Islamic because I respect the Koran. And they will listen to me. They love me in Iran. Everyone loves me. People voted for Scott Brown because they love me.

My nipples look nice. People admire my nipples. Chris Mathews wants to touch them. He texted me.

Bush is so stupid! LOL. I ME I ME I ME I ME I ME I ME I ME I ME I ME I ME I ME I ME I ME I ME I ME I ME I ME I ME I ME I ME I ME I ME.

I can't believe Conan was fired before I got to go on his show. Stupid NBC!

I think I should play Tiger Woods in the Lifetime movie. Note to self: Tell Rahm to make some time for this to happen. We can shoot it on the south lawn. Nancy P. can play Tiger's mother in law. Landreiu can chase me with a golf club. People will love it! They love me!

I won a peace prize! This makes our country great! Let's create jobs! Bush was stupid! I am smart! Green! etc! In Perpetuity! I'm went to Harvard law!

Note to self: Make Hillary go away before the speech. She's a buzz kill.

Me me me. I I I.

Jobs are cool! Let's go jobs! I better be first to get an Ipad, dammit! Also war and green jobs! Recycle! Solar! Wind! Gas! Clean Coal! Jobs! Budget Freeze! Education! Just do it! I want my MTV! Got milk?!

Note to self: don't mention Denmark. Denmark sucks. Copenhagen sucks the most. I hate the Danish. Stupid breakfast food. It's just flat cake with striped frosting! Why don't they just call it cake?!!! Belgium is better. Belginians are nice. I like waffles. Just let me eat my waffles.

Now, let us go forth and make history for I am unprecedented. America is not second best with me in charge! It's time to cut the deficit which I made so big. For I am a big man!!! LOL. Let's Freeze Spending! Except when we spend money! Let's cut out everything except military. Those guys scare me....wait don't say that out loud. I wonder if John Roberts has a secret crush on me. I think he does. He's handsome enough. If I weren't totally straight I'd do him. I need a smoke.

I support the gays! Go gays! Gays take state!

I I I I I. ME ME ME ME. Good night, America!

Okay, I'm done. Bring the car around.




This draft was slightly altered before he delivered it last night.