John Smart is so gay- An awkward Christmas post about religion, being gay, marriage and me.

A conversation erupted about my sexuality in comments below. This came out of a comment about gay marriage and is weirdly flattering....so sure I'll bite....here are my thoughts on subjects I find only moderately compelling: My religion and my sexuality. Which are somehow (no sure how) connected in my head tonight.

Religion
So I don't write much about my sexuality or my religion. (When I've touched on religion I've usually regretted it. ) My religion influences vast swatches of my thinking. Not all, but a hell of a lot. Since I'm often angry as hell, this blog is often angry as hell - so feel free to do what ever you want with the statement that religion influences me. I might muster a defense. But probably won't.

Here's another truth: My religion doesn't matter here. I do not have an evangelical bone in my body...a few tendons here and there sure...but I don't give a damn what most people believe in the "god" department - or if they believe anything at all. Sometimes atheists piss me off - but certain Christians anger me much more often. Further, I don't think "God" has an agenda except possibly "watch closely and try harder". If God has an agenda and god is God then the current state of affairs really speaks poorly of God. In my version God is radically impersonal and unconditionally loving. Look close enough and one concludes that God could not be the latter without being the former.

Here's a tidbit I've found true for me: My conversion was of a type that rendered evangelising moot. In general I find it dangerous and beside the point. Even if I did believe in the version of religion that gets the most play in the U.S. (I don't) it's doubtful I'd trust anyone who led with it. Leading with one's humanity is hard enough. Leading with some version of "god" is usually a way to avoid one's humanity.

So, lets get this out of the way. Straight up: I believe in the major "plot points" of the Jesus religion - except the virgin birth. I believe with all the Anglo-Catholicism I can muster in the Beatitudes...and I don't have a handle on them. I believe the beatitudes and the prodigal son story are the core of Christianity and I sense most Christians can't abide either. (How could the wayward punk possibly be given a party!!??) I believe the word "saved" is the most misused, misunderstood word in the religious lexicon. Everyone is saved already. That's the point. The lesson of the Christ story from beginning to end is this: You are already saved....here's a charismatic Jew who will prove it...allow wisdom to re-emerge (The Christmas Story) and do not fear death (The Easter Story) and along the way things that seem like miracles will occur (the second act/ministry portion of our narrative). Whatever "original sin" may have existed is now and forever nullified. For me follow me means follow my lead. No more. No less. Allow wisdom, don't fear death...see what happens.

That's it. My evangelical tendon hath been given its 15 minutes. Onward to the gay stuff:

As for me being gay - I'm pretty gay all in all. I don't like the label personally. I use it for clarity and ease...and I've fallen in romantic love with women in my life though generally I'm clearly more oriented toward my own gender.

The sub culture usually attached to gay men doesn't appeal to me. I try - and often fail - to avoid judging it. It evolved into its current state out of self preservation. Most places it is a safe ghetto for young gay men. Most straight people do not understand how truncated gay people's development is in this culture. This is because most straight people don't understand their own development. The blossoming of sexuality happens in youth for most people. Gays are not allowed this. They must go off and find their way later. For men at least gay ghettos are the first place this can happen.

Like old Jewish ghettos, I hope gay ghettos fade away. Jewishness is now almost fully integrated into our national life and Jewish contributions have not faded. "Gay of the day" is my little effort to inform people that gay people's contributions are important and valuable. And everywhere. One example: without the Jews and the gays we'd be at a huge humor deficit, not to mention a huge intellectual deficit....or another: a same sex oriented man - Alexander - pretty much created the world we live in. The way we speak English and think about the human mind is hugely influenced by an almost certainly bisexual Shakespeare. Patriarchy being what it is, the contributions of lesbians are less apparent to me. However, the arts, literature, politics...everything owes a debt to gay women.

Marriage:
The problem many straights have with gay marriage is the word marriage. This is seen by many heterosexuals as their special right. Those who say "gays are equal in all areas except this one special area" are more pernicious than out and out gay bashers. They are in the "I have black friends! I swear!" group. Or the uglier "Colored folk are fine but I don't want them in my neighborhood." category. "You can have all the rights of everyone else except one" makes second class status brutally obvious and is an attempt to normalize degradation.

As for Jesus - well, the new testament Jesus I read would not only support gay marriage he'd put on the Rabbi clothes and perform marriages. Paul had issues. He had a quick conversion - not a slow evolution - which as we know - often leads to stridency. His letters are beautiful and important. I choose to look past his blind spot.

There it is. My sex and my religion. Pah Rum Pum Pum Pum.

My Christmas/Solstice/December hope for everyone: May everyone let wisdom in. Give it room to emerge. Yes, let "light" in...but remember that light means wisdom. If you are a worshiper, I hope you put on your Wise man Sunday best and pay homage to your better angels. At home or church or Walmart or alone in your room..actually, preferably alone in your room...If you're not religious I hope you ignore the rest of us - and I hope you take inventory of your knowledge and allow the wisdom in it to become apparent.

Finally, I have no idea how to write a post like this with all the important element humility. If it reads as arrogant please forgive my trespasses...or don't and let me have it.