Obama's Beatification Latest in String of Awards

Latest scoop from our intrepid reporter, Tamerlane.

The Vatican: Pope Benedict XVI today announced the beatification of Barack Obama, paving the way for the US President's canonization as early as next week. The beatification was widely hailed as fitting and inspirational, although some questioned the pontiff's decision. The official Vatican newspaper, L'Osservatore Romano, was quick to point out that Obama was neither a Roman Catholic, nor had he met any of the grounds for beatification, such as divine intercession or martyrdom: "...facultatem facimus ut Venerabilis Servus Dei N. N. Beati nomine in posterum appelletur, eiusque festum...in locis ac modis iure statutis quotannis celebrari possit". But the paper saw the beatification as "encouragement" for the American leader: "Go out now and earn this honor, Mr. Obama, by curing some lepers or something!"

Obama's Many Miracles

Justin Rubin of MoveOn lists several of Obama's "saintly qualities" that already justify beatification. In an email entitled "Change We Can Worship", Rubin writes "President Obama has long been the subject of a cult of veneration-a Cultus Missa et Officium, was a virtual martyr to Bill Clinton's thinly-veiled racism, and during the primaries, performed the transubstantiation of his defeat in Indiana into a victory." Rubin also noted that Obama's 2007 speech calling for unilateral disarmament "will one day save the lives of millions who otherwise would perish in a nuclear holocaust, which is the same as raising the dead." Long-time Democratic insider James Carville concurred, saying "I find it somewhat miraculous that nobody properly vetted this jackass before nominating him."

He's Not Bush

Obama's beatification is the latest in a string of awards and accolades richly deserved by the President. In a move seen as reflecting his predecessor's unpopularity abroad, last week Obama received the Nobel Peace Prize for "never having accomplished a single mission ever." The extremely modest Obama admitted he did not deserve the Nobel, but vowed that he's "gonna wear the damn thing all the time. In the shower, even."

President Trumps Yankee Star

The Nobel came on the heels of Obama's MLB Gold Glove award for shortstop, for which the president just edged perennial winner Derek Jeter. Asked if he felt he deserved the Gold Glove, considering he was not a major league shortstop, Obama conceded he did not, but added, "neither does Jeter. Dude's got a rubber arm and no range!"

This was the second award which Obama has snatched in recent days from the Yankees star. Obama was also named by the Dissatisfied Wives of America as "mocha hunk I most often fantasize about while having bad sex with my husband." Jeter had won 13 of the last 14 DWA awards, losing only to Terrence Howard in 2005.

Animal Rights Activists Break Ranks

One of Obama's accolades has drawn sharp criticism-his 2009 Lifetime Achievement Award from the ASPCA for his adoption of Bo, the First Family's purebred Portuguese Water Dog. Although the award was clearly earned by Obama, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) expressed anger that "a fly-murderer could receive an award from a humane society." In protest, PETA members across America threw their naked bodies in front of Mormon churches and Whole Foods stores.

More Laurels Coming

Future awards already won by Obama include the 2010 Grammy for Best Crossover Song (for the "O-Ba-Ma" chant), the Democratic presidential nominations of 2012, 2016 and 2020, and the 2011 Oscar for Best Picture (for a comment by Stephen Spielberg that "Terrence Howard would make a good Obama.")

A Selected Timeline of Obama Awards

1961 Conferred by Barack Obama Sr. with honorific tribal title "M'gembwe foto dujuri ahat" (transl.: "Little bastard (who) looks just like me")

1977 Recipient of Honolulu H.S.'s Mile High Club's "Golden Roach Clip"

1981-83 Seven-time winner of ACORN's "Employee of the Month" award

1985 Appointed one of nine editors of Harvard Law Review, based on his outstanding pigmentation

1993 Named "laziest g**-d*** n**** I've ever met" by Illinois state senator Emil Jones, Jr.

2004 Won Pulitzer prize for William Ayres' "Dreams of My Father"

2007 Appeared on Time Magazine's "Man of the Century" cover

2008 Named "Greatest President Ever" by American History Magazine

2009 Recipient of Golden Globe award for telecast of his inauguration

2013 Proclaimed "President for Life" by Politburo

2015 Declared a "Living God" by the Senate




(c) 2009 by 'tamerlane.' All rights reserved.