Saturday - John will be pretending to be gay and pretending to care about things other than USC Football all day.

A commenter a few posts down happily got me thru my morning coffee by accusing me of pretending to be gay on this blog. While sipping my jo I was forced me to write a clarification about my sexual orientation (s)....that is when do I pretend to be gay, bi, or straight, and when am I actually gay, bi, or straight.

Obviously I want to correct any misperceptions. I not only pretend to be gay on this blog. I pretend to be gay in various places through out Los Angeles. Just yesterday I dyed my hair badly, plucked my eye brows, rented a Seabring Convertible, popped in some Ricky Martin music and just drove around honking at hot men.

I also pretend to be straight at various locations. Last week I put on a size too small V-neck T-shirt, bad cologne , stuffed some tube socks in my gym shorts and walked around the Venice boardwalk saying "hey baby - how you doing? I see you like my....tan..."

Before I kick back to watch college football all day (Fight on!) I want to post my Gay/Bi/Straight Schedule so as to avoid any further confusion. Please take note.

My Gay/Bi/Straight schedule is as follows:

Mon: I pretend to be gay from 10am - 3:15pm

From 3:16pm to Monday Night Football I pretend to be Bi.

For the first half of the game I pretend to be straight. During half time I pretend to be a eunuch. During the second half I really am gay - after the game I just pretend to be gay again.

Tues: I am mostly really gay all day - except if I see a cute Irish babe (redhead, with freckles..please...) walking down the street in which case I either pretend to be straight or really am straight - factors to consider: how much free time do I have? And really, how many Irish redheads with freckles are walking down a street in Koreatown...?

Wed: I am mostly really straight all day. Unless I see a hot Persian dude (shaved head and thick accent....please...)walking down the street in which case I pretend to be Bi so we can really be gay together - factors to consider: will he want to talk to me afterward?..ugh. What if his wife and boyfriend find out where I live?

Thurs: I pretend to be Punky Brewster all day.

Fri: I usually call Sylvia Browne early and ask her if I should like Women, or Men, or both for the day. She says with her rasp: "How the fuck should I know? Screw everybody, for all I care."

I find this advice very appealing and tip her well.

Sat: After an exhausting Fri of head turning, flirting, and leering at waiters and waitresses, I awaken to full on homo-erotic anticipation. USC Football is BACK!

I put on my Alexander the Great costume, break open a a non alcoholic beer, and pretend to conquer the known world (esp. Persia, as I alluded to earlier.) without leaving the couch and while watching college men in tights knock each other over.

Sweet.

Sun: After mass I go to confession - except I am Anglican - so when I reveal all my sexual antics the cool liberal minister says: "Yes, that sounds fun, my son - but what are your sins?"

In the afternoon I watch Pro football which starts as an exercise in pretending to be straight - but usually ends up in my actually being straight for a while... I pop in some home town porn (shot in the San Fernando Valley) in which beautiful heterosexual women pretend to enjoy lesbian sex with each other .

Sunday night I relax into a night of falling testosterone, I can't afford the Cialis this month, I am just too old to care bliss.... and flip on the history channel to watch a show about the world ending on 12/21/12 cuz the Mayans said so....and they ripped people open on rocks to remove the still beating hearts...so they must be right...
(FYI: The world ends on 12/21/12 around 3pm-ish. Pre-empting the last Dr. Phil...thanks be to God)

That is my usual sexuality schedule. Please take a note of it. Back to politics later....