BREAKING: Barack Obama's Weak Spine Related To Whiplash

Barack Obama's Neck Problems Grow.

From the AP wire


By Christopher Bayou.

The following was disclosed in a press release: Doctors at an undisclosed Chicago Medical Center report that Senator Barack Obama, is suffering from what is described as a severe and debilitating case of whiplash and severe cervical muscle strain.

Doctors said today in a press release that the Freshman Senator's condition is not due an isolated accident or injury, but is more commonly known as a Repetitive Motion Injury similar to Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

The Senator's condition stems from the cumulative effects of his continuous use of tele-prompters and has been further exacerbated by his drastic neck swings from talking to his far left supporters, then talking to evangelicals on the far right. With his attempts to move his focus to the center, the Senator recently began to suffer excruciating neck pain.

The doctors' concluded that the messianic Senator's neck muscles simply cannot withstand further drastic movement and repetitive swinging back and forth. Physicians on his medical team are recommending that Senator Obama wear a neck and head brace ironically called a "halo".

The halo brace is simply that; a circular device that will be affixed to the Senator's head with screws. The device has vertical bars attached that are connected to shoulder pads that allow the weight of the Senator's head to be transferred to his shoulders. With this brace in place the Senator can only face forward.

Doctors are further concerned that the weight of the medical device designed to allow the neck to heal will further deteriorate the Senators weak shoulders and spine. His medical team is taking a "wait and see attitude" regarding whether or not the Senator's spine can continue to bear up under the weight of his own head.

Doctors are also suggesting the Senator undergo psychiatric counseling to deal with his new inability to turn to the left or the right and the psychological trauma he is likely to suffer from having to look people directly in the eye.

Doctors are suggesting he not attend the Democratic National Convention as his performance at the Civil Forum held at Saddleback Church has left the Senator in a very precarious health and mental health position, as his head spun around with every question similar to Linda Blair's in the Exorcist. If the Senator insists on attending the Convention, all of his physicians including an Orthopedic Specialist, a Neurologist, a Psychiatrist, a Chiropractor, a Shaman, Dr. Phil, some dude he smoked out with in college, and a Faith Healer named "Epilady" will be back stage.

As of this report the Senator has refused all recommended medical treatment and is instead opting for DNC Chair, Dr. Howard Dean's lips kissing his behind, along with ego stroking sessions from Democratic Strategist, Donna Brazile.