We're Green!

For Immediate Release

From Scarlett Johanson
Obama Headquarters
Chicago

We are going green.

All persons who would previously be thrown under the bus will now be asked to step in front of a moving train. All the better if the train is electric. One could also step on the third rail at any convenient subway stop. We are committed to energy efficiency and frankly, there's no more room under the bus.

We will continue our recycling program. Expect recycled speeches from Hillary Clinton in addition to more of Duval Patrick's greatest hits. We'll also be borrowing from John Edwards, JFK, Ronald Reagan, Brett Mussburger, LBJ, RKF, FDR, Ice Tea and Vanilla Ice.

All previous "policy" positions are now inoperable. We will be hanging them out on the line to die, whoa, dry. Fortunately there were not many and there will be no change to the important positions of Hope and Change.

Anything said or promised in during the drawn out primary will be replaced with energy efficient (and hopefully centrist, pandering, swinging for swing voters) new models. Positions on FISA and Public Financing had to go as they were a drain on pulling undecided voters. It's also proof that we really are all about Change.

Our biggest green push is for your money. Keep it coming. We had a bad May, our worst fundraising month in 2008. Send checks, credit cards, gold, oil, jewelry and antiques immediately. If you thought Freedom isn't free you won't believe the cost of Hope and Change. We will, of course, continue to blame Hillary Clinton for any deficits.

We're proud to be the first campaign since Richard Nixon to not take public financing. It's further proof of our post-racial, post-partisan position.

In related news we're pleased to announce that our new Press Secretary is the ghost of Ron Ziegler.