South Dakota

More than likely you know someone who has been raped. Maybe they don't tell you because they're ashamed. Maybe because they don't want to deal with it. Maybe they don't want to see the pity in your eyes. I have a friend who was raped twice and I think I am the only person aside from her mother that she has ever told. She got pregnant from one of them and her mom took her to have the abortion. She was 16.

I was raped. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I want you to know how lucky I am to have made it through.

I woke up with a knife at my throat and a strange man in my bedroom. No one heard me scream. It was hot and I was sleeping with no clothes on. I didn't fight. I tried to talk my way out of what I knew was going to happen. I am an excellent sales person and words have always been my sword. It didn't work. He made me shower afterwards and cut my phone lines. He told me that he lived in my apartment complex and that if I called the police he would kill me. I said Hail Mary's while I showered. He left while I was in the shower. I was terrified to leave the bathroom. I found an old phone with a phone cord attached and tried to call my father. He wasn't home so I called my uncle. We all worked for the same company. My uncle told me he would find my dad for me. I called my mother. It was so hard to tell her what had happened. She told me get off the phone with her and call the police then to call her back. I did as she told me. My dad called me then. No father should ever have to ask his daughter, "Did he come in you?" An officer arrived and took my statement and took me to the hospital. A volunteer stayed with me during the exam. They make you stand naked and take pictures of you. The pull your pubic hair out so they can differentiate. But I was so fortunate that they also made me feel cared for. I left that afternoon to stay with my cousin in San Diego. I went to the hospital there to pick up the morning after pill. It made me nauseous but I took it. I then went back and stayed with friends. I met with the detective who handled my case. I will love Detective Prostler forever for telling me that it was not my fault and that it was OK that I didn't fight because whatever I did that kept me alive was the right thing. For months afterwards someone from my family would call me everyday. I found a new apartment. I slept with my clothes and the lights on until I got my dog, Richie. The first night I got him I turned the lights off. I had a horrible nightmare that someone was in my room with me and apparently I screamed. I woke myself up. Shortly after there was knock on the door. My neighbors had called the police. After that I was able to sleep under the covers without my shoes on. My period didn't start and I was convinced I was pregnant. I called my dad and told him that I was pregnant and going to have an abortion. He said that's fine but you're not pregnant. He told me to go at buy a pregnancy kit and call him back after I took it. He was right - I wasn't pregnant; my period started the next day. I had to go for HIV tests at six months and year. I was negative. Every time I gave blood I had to say that I didn't know whether or not I had sex with a man who had sex with a man and I'd have to explain that I had been raped.

It's been almost 13 years. I know how lucky I am. I have a great, huge family that completely surrounded me with love. I have friends who took care of me. I got great care and counseling from the State of California. I didn't get pregnant.

I tell you all this because if you haven't been through it you cannot imagine it. No one should be forced to carry a pregnancy of a rape. No one should have a pharmacist tell her she cannot have the morning after pill. Rapist steal your dignity. I was blessed to have so many people give it back to me.