If I were President

This would be my speech tomorrow night.

My fellow Americans. We are in trouble.

• It's time for shared sacrifice. I am NOT repealing the Estate Tax. Fuck that. We need the dough.
• I am going to tax the shit out of anyone who drives a vehicle that gets less than 20 mpg. Fuck you, you irresponsible dicks. PS - a hummer doesn't make up for dick size, FYI.
• I am going to give tax breaks to anyone who buys or has bought the following - solar panels, windmills, high efficiency appliances, clothes lines, double glazed windows, white (or light) shingles, insulation. And I want to thank the people who are trying to do their parts to help conserve.
• I am going to raise cafe standards. Meanwhile, I encourage all of you to car pool, combine trips, walk or bike. Shoot, I'll throw in a tax credit for buying a scooter. Not only will you save gas but you'll look cool. Ciao! Otherwise we'll start rationing. We should all be in this together, even if I have to make you do the right thing.
• National Health Care now. We will pay for it out of the 5 billion per month we spend in Iraq. (I'm pulling out by the way.) How can we compete with most industrialized nations when they have national health care and we don't?
• To anyone who moves their business offshore. Good fucking luck bitches. We are going to hurt you any way we can. Forget about any federal contracts and guess what - we're not giving you national healthcare. You have to be American...Not Bermudan.
• Out source? Fuck you, too. Cheap labor will not be so cheap anymore when I tax the shit out of you.
  
  That's it - gotta get some work done. Thanks a lot for your time and have a great night.